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[aestivation]

 
  

[  crystals, letters, private scenes  ]

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[aestivation]

[ there's only one answer he's accustomed to giving, and it's peculiar to pause at it now. convenient?

glazed eyes skate the desk and — yes, likely, the rest of this can wait. he smudges at a dab of drying ink and reaches to answer. ]

Herian. What is it?

[dashing]

( Perhaps some small part of her hoped he’d not respond. A very small part. )

I thank you for your swift response.

I am— I have reason to believe myself a liability in my present state, and am considering pursuing Tranquility. I wished to... Inthought it wise to speak with you.

( Precisely why she couldn’t say. Of all people, perhaps he’s least likely to persuade her either way. )

[aestivation]

[ irony in that — an academic recognition. the letters of the report swim and merge if he lets his eyes unfix. ]

Why do you believe you're a liability?

[dashing]

My emotions are not as controlled as they must be. I was... compromised during a mission, and do not wish to risk either those dearest to me, or anyone, to the possible outcomes of such an event. My injuries should not be anyone else’s injury.

[aestivation]

They will be. [ always mild, ] In one manner or another.

[ empathy. compassion — for all the bright fire of that vision he can't find the shape it held, can't recall it from blind pattern. there'd been pain. a greater sort, to know it shared. to suppose it threading through her in turn: the price of community. ]

What does control look like, to you?

[dashing]

Do you think me foolish, then?

( Soft; a little flat. )

Control is... control is a means to protect people. To armour and to barricade. If I keep myself controlled, under all circumstances, then I can be... a better person. One who will not wantonly harm others. One worthy of living. Control over ourselves and our impulses must be absolute.

[aestivation]

You know that I don't.

[ think her foolish. there's enough to be said of the nature of control, over whether the absence of impulse even qualifies as its temperance — but of late that's too uncertain a ground to tread. he isn't used to the way it slips beneath his feet. ]

You say that it protects people. Does it protect you?

[dashing]

Should it not by definition?

( A mage with control was a mage better qualified to survive, if considered in the most distant manner. )

I’ve long thought it better to hold mine own hand over flames than expose the flesh of others to burn. Despite that, I have been— selfish, in some ways. My own control had not always been enough.

[aestivation]

Selfish, too — if others prefer to burn.

[ he folds the paper carefully, only the distant crease and rustle to mark the silence. ]

Do you hope I'll convince you?

[dashing]

I have already made the request and been denied. I intend to push for it.

I looked to you for... perspective without bias. And to determine if... it is cowardice, not to want it, even as I know it is the right thing to do.

[aestivation]

Perhaps. I was afraid — they held my head. But I wasn't so certain as you.

[ pause, ]

It isn't that I'm certain now. But... the irrelevance of certainty. Of doubt. It won't matter whether you know it's right, and that has always seemed, [ his voice drifts: ] You seem to value it.

[dashing]

Honour and justice and kindness would become as without meaning as pain. Mercy lost in the same stroke as rage.

( She knew this. Logically she knew this, and she had been reminded. No love. No warmth, just as there is no cold. )

I sought tranquility over execution, that I would still be able to serve. That is what I believe is right.

( And yet. )

[aestivation]

I believed so, too. But I think — I was angry, I think, as well. I hurt. I wanted them to know.

May I tell you something?

[dashing]

Of course.

( She would not - could not - lean upon him so and then deny him in turn. )

Anything.

[aestivation]

I felt, some days past. [ he fumbles, ] It's gone again. But for a moment I felt... everything.

Whatever your decision, I know you don't make it lightly.

[dashing]

( Under normal circumstances the response might be "felt what." But he has already said everything, and truthfully to have felt anything at all was remarkable. TO have that restoration of a connection so long ago denied him (that he was robbed or relieved of).

Are you certain is an absurd question. How could she doubt it? )

How?

( How can that even be possible?

There is more to say on the other count, but Casimir's comment is the priority. )

[aestivation]

[ it’s been spelled out to him, albeit in vague fashion: this is a matter for discretion. but discretion and silence are altogether different things.

he trusts herian. and something, some alien vestige of wound insists she ought to know.

at last: ]

A spirit. [ and if he could leap into a dissertation on the theory of it, he refrains. ] It wanted to help.

[dashing]

I see.

( What a strange, terrible, amazing things. A light in the dark, or something to haunt? )

Would it be alright if I ask you more about that? I— there are thoughts, recent experiences, I would share that may be of relevance, though I do not wish to presume... to presume to push such information upon you.

[aestivation]

I think that —

[ feel that, rather. felt. ]

— The more we might speak of these things. Which we usually do not,

[ the words in trade come clumsier than they ought. it's difficult to try and find the shape of them now, seared orange and shimmering into his mind's eye. he tries again: ]

We don't speak of them. And I think perhaps, we should.

[ 'yes go ahead' ]

[dashing]

I—

I think that I agree. Daunting and dangerous as it can be, it only becomes more dangerous to hold all in silence and isolation.

(Of course it's one thing to say it, and another thing to do it. )

How did it wish to help, do you think?

[aestivation]

To cross the Veil. To reach me, more directly. Perhaps to,

[ no. that thought doesn't fit. the tranquil can't be possessed. ]

It didn't look to me, at first. Kostos showed it. He kept it from coming through, from giving — compassion.

[dashing]

( Strange, interesting. Concerning? )

Did the Enchanter mean to bring you to its attention? I must confess I am... a little confused.